bloom, as a beautiful flower does not compete with the entire garden.
because we’re all heartbreakingly human.
“What’s your dream?”
“Huh?”
We were in the middle of a highway. 11 PM. The perfect definition of the after-work scenario; dealing with traffic after a long day’s business. I’ve always pictured the independent working woman version of me to be this tangible, well – dressed female with french bob cut hair, well done nail art, simple heels, doing pilates, eating healthily every morning, doing gratitude affirmations before sleep, yes, all that clean-girl adulting stuffs.
I’m not any of that. Not proud of it. I’m trying, but hey, I’m still far from it.
Time management’s a mess, struggling to wake up in order to work – I love my job, don’t get me wrong, but there’s always this fear of messing up or not living up to my expectations. This is my dream. But I’m not doing it well, so –
“This is already my dream.”
I answered. There’s always an answer to everything, right? It just reminds me of that one line from the Pixar movie ‘Soul’, where it says that this is already the ocean we’ve always dreamed of. So what’s missing?
That question gets old by time. It’s true. Growing up, most people grow to be more and more skeptical. Why follow your ideals when the reality’s better than any of your imagination? Why follow all the starting-over influencers in order to chase their dreams when the Indonesian Dream is to be successful in a 9–5 corporate job, especially in Jakarta? Why dream and complain when labor’s doing all the work?
There’s nothing too perfect about your little dream and it’s not exactly valid to complain anything right now.
But it’s weird. I thought I’d be the best version of myself by then, but I just.. feel stupid.
I’ve read self help books. I’ve listened to podcasts done by CEOs. I’ve had a number of my own meditative eras. Thought I’d improve by then, but.. the fact is, I’m behind most people. Chose a path that many didn’t choose. Chose a path slightly beyond my capacity. Fixed mindsets aside – I really want to grow, but.. it’s terrifying.
It’s terrifying when the realization stuck. I’m incompetent.
It feels as if we were a flower seed buried deep in the soil. At first, the darkness and pressure of the earth feel overwhelming. I constantly question whether I’ll ever break through the surface, whether I’ll ever feel the warmth of the sun, or become the vibrant flower I strived to be. And following my own writing about how we can’t control everything but ourselves; it’s terrifying.
As days pass, the seed begins to push upwards, inching closer to the surface. It’s hard work and it feels like I’m not making progress, but all the affirmation gurus say to repeat the words, “we are meant to grow and bloom.”
Despite my disbelief, I pushed through. But.. with no direction. Filled with A/B testing, marketing theories, hit or miss opportunities, failures and trying, uncertainty, self-doubt. It’s easy to journal everything down, do shadow work, and reset for the next day. But marketing’s all about prove and numbers, and I strive to be good at it.
Yes, I’m living my dream. But.. I’ve grown not as the flower I thought I’d be.
Maybe, the truth is, the journey of growth often leads us to places we never expected, and sometimes we become something even more beautiful than we first imagined. I might dream of becoming a rose, but as I grow, it might blossom into a sunflower, a lily, or even a wildflower. Not the Beauty and the Beast rose that grows in a palace’s garden. A wildflower that just grows… anywhere.
But, they do not compete with each other. Each flower has its own unique beauty and purpose. A sunflower, for example, with its bright, open face, brings light and joy to those around it. Even Haley’s favourite in Stardew Valley. A wildflower has a resilience and strength that allows it to bloom in places where other flowers could not survive. Together, they create an entire garden. Garden filled with different kinds of flowers, some vibrant and the rest poisonous, but gracefully beautiful. Heartbreakingly alive.
But what happens after the blooming? Do we just, stay there, or…?
“You know there are differences between an AI generated writing and pure writing,” she says. “AI generated contents are good, it’s getting harder to differ them from humans. But they don’t contain the heart. The soul.”
And I agree. We were talking about how AI and how the advancements of technology help today’s marketing and might replace writers one day. Especially with the ones that keep following fixed structures to grab hooks and engagement. So not even my job is safe, haha. AI does a better job than me, I think.
But… AI and technology also lacks the emotional intelligence, creativity, and deep understanding that we humans bring to the table. And I inquire myself – if a creative worker requires all these intelligence, why am I not one?
I feel dumber and dumber each day. No – before anyone judged me, I’ve done the usual affirmations of “I’m trying, I am learning, I am thriving.” But nope. Numbers didn’t answer that. Something’s wrong. I’m probably my own biggest villain.
A flower, even after blooming, still faces rain and thunderstorms. This country’s marketing culture might push for quick results, but flowers don’t rush their blooming. There’s a massive difference between yourself and professional work. Slow workers are often deemed as incompetent and replaceable, but..
My office isn’t like that. It’s filled with kind, understanding people that supports everyone into growing rapidly. That’s something I’m really grateful of.
So why am I so unkind to myself?
There’s a line between mindful discipline and self-sabotaging.
In my future dream, I know the competition is fierce and success is often defined by external measures, and I’m aware that it’s easy to feel like you’re not blooming fast enough or that the others are outpacing you. But.. we’re just starting out. We will grow, experience by experience.
Because most people care about blooming so much that we sometimes forget to take care of our roots. Our ‘divine purpose’. Our feelings. Our hearts.
Planned to run 5k today, didn’t go. Planned to improve my ice skating today, didn’t go. It’s a complete mess. But.. at least I tried. And I’m trying. Because I remember having fun in moving activities but now.. not so much, because I’ve become too focused on growing instead of having fun.
Maybe, when things become too overwhelming, or when rainstorms arrive, it’s just another opportunity to learn and grow. To learn and grow as the flower we’ve always strived to be. Humbling lessons to remind us of our roots. Because each day is a lesson, and there’s nothing wrong with taking a breather here and then.
We’re doing fine. We will be fine. Growth isn’t linear, and that’s the most heartbreaking truth about effort and hard work.
As long as we’re doing our best, that’s already more than enough. Because remember when we were seeds, not knowing how to push through the ground?
We’re now blooming and the challenges are harder. It’s supposed to be harder.
And one day, we may come back as a newer seed whenever the wind decides to take us – somewhere new, somewhere faraway… all back to zero.
Yes, it’s hard being grateful. But, let’s be grateful. At least, for being alive. For having the chance to learn and try. For having the chance to eat food today. For having the chance of living the life we thought wouldn’t be living in back then.
For actually trying. And bloom, as a beautiful flower does not compete with the entire garden.
