Being mindful hurts, most times.
A letter fell into my inbox. A letter from myself, a FutureMe message. I thought I’d get my heart broken reading it – but instead, I was relieved. At the same time, I’m quite surprised.
It’s a letter from July 2021, when I was a freshman and now I’m the oldest batch in college just waiting for our thesis defense or internships. July 2021, when I didn’t know anything, when I barely know the people I’d known today, when I never thought I would actually find love.
A letter from July 2021, a really dark time, a really confusing online-school position, just moved from my dream college’s admission to this one place that’d go on up until now.
So much has happened. Yet hilariously enough – this 2021 FutureMe has a list, the ones that used to be my prayers. It’s quite funny because I wanted:
- To study abroad (definitely didn’t)
- Get a career at journalism (found my passion in wedding, copywriting, marketing instead)
- Lead an organization (really wanted to, but nevermind. I barely can lead a department well.)
- Move to a small dorm in Jakarta (HAHAHAHAHAH NOT YET. NOT YET. AAAAAA)
- Is Covid-19 done yet? (Surprisingly, now most people are content with it.)
My prayers always went like; “God, please this.” or “God, please that.” Then somehow along the way, in the course of approximately 3 years, a lot of things happened and I probably went like, “yeah maybe that’s not really for me. I don’t exactly vibe with journalism.”
It’s funnier when I never wanted marketing back then. But now I really want to pursue both marketing and copywriting simulatenously, whatever this random-train-of-thought will lead me next.
The Holy Scripture says, that God has this entire story planned out for the best of us and.. honestly, it’s not always fun. Because for me, being mindful hurt – it really hurt back then. I didn’t want to feel, I didn’t want to live. I was depressed clinically, and it worsened by time. Traumatic things also happened and guess what – I lost hope, I never saw any more purpose of going on – I felt fear instead of excitement. But Covid-19 is already 4 years ago and have.. we learned anything? Have we fully recovered from that?
Reading that FutureMe letter feels so weird because time does pass. It passes like a ghost – for example, this time you’re reading this letter probably in the morning or the afternoon or even the evening and a lot has happened to you. But everyone’s experienced today differently.
Someone passed away. Someone confessed their feeling. Someone got married. Someone got fired. Someone got hired. Someone failed. Someone won. Someone learned to drive for the first time. Someone lived.
Isn’t it haunting? How even time passes differently for everyone and one day today will just be another monday. How college will end in a random afternoon. How our laughters today will just become another memory and – it’s really hard to be mindful.
It’s when circumstances feel unbearable, when the thought of being present and mindful seems more like a burden than a blessing. We dream of an escape, a ‘finally’, answers. We demand freedom, now now now. It’s really easy to believe that things will always be this way, that we’ll be stuck in our current circumstances forever.
I remember crying when online school was held.
Because there wouldn’t be much escape from this mundane home. Wouldn’t even see my friends. Lost the opportunity to go to my dream college. Thought the pain would last forever.
Long story short, the pain got worse.
Like an unhealed wound – things that got worse by time. Should I be mindful with my wounds, with all the hurt, hatred and pain within me? Being mindful with myself is hard enough, because I was just this messy dough back then without the right ingredients. I never believed in ‘passing time.’
But.. the thing is, mindfulness is often touted as a way to find peace and clarity in the present. Instead of forcing mindfulness, maybe there’s this gentler curiosity of existing. We can acknowledge our pain without being consumed by it, giving ourselves permission to feel what we feel without judgment.
Because with every fall, we’re already in the trench of a bigger mountain. With every tear, we’re already shedding bigger problems than ever before. With each things lost, we’ve gained better lessons.
The thing with the ‘future’ is that it never arrives. No. I’ve been reading all these comforting tumblr posts of being hopeful, hopecore – they all help but in reality, the future never arrived. Not the one we ‘want’. Not even the one we thought ‘God’ wanted. Time is both our enemy and ally – trust that will time, the hurt will fade, the scars will heal, and you will emerge stronger, wiser, and more resilient than before.
Have I reach my dreams of 2021? Nope. Scrapped that away. Everything’s changed for the better in the most unexpected ways. I’m now pursuing a career in writing professionally and I’m having the most fun since ever. Met wonderful people at work, had free concerts day and night, 5k jogs every morning, the opportunity to make memories with the most unexpected people – The roughest waters will eventually lead to calmer seas.
A letter fell into my inbox. A letter from myself, a FutureMe message. I thought I’d get my heart broken reading it. – but instead, I was relieved. At the same time, I’m quite surprised.
Thought I’d write something for the me in 2030. Six years.
Maybe I’d get married by then?
Maybe I’d have published my book by then?
I don’t know.
I’ve stopped making long lists. I started doing better. Doing what’s best for now.
Doing what I like. Doing what I love. Rediscovering myself. Maturing. Alone time. Trying all my favourite foods again. Healing. Learning. Even if the pain and trauma was unbearable, I know we’ll all heal from the things we don’t talk about.
Because the world is wider than our dreams. Life is greater than our silly little journals. Years – it’s going to take time, seconds, hours, weeks, months, decades. It’s alright. You don’t have to reach everything in your FutureMe letter. Time will really pass and it will get better.
I struggle to be mindful too. I barely enjoy the present moment. I’m always anxious about the future. I don’t know if I can say that I’m doing better now.. so maybe it’s best if we set 0 expectations to everything. Yeah.
Time will pass.
Time will pass.
Sure, if you don’t want to feel anything, just believe that time will pass.
Time passes, but how do you want to spend it?
Time passes, but what about the memories you wish you could replay?
Time passes, but what about the chances we didn’t take?
Time passes, it’s messy, but I can proudly say that we’ve survived. We’ve survived, we’ll survive again, and we’ll enjoy every other destinations that comes with the price of our dreams.
You will change.
So, please love the current you until you’re ready to become the “better” you.
Maybe with the same wounds, but hey, bigger experiences. More adventures. Simpler moments. A little wiser. A little healed. It’s still progress and –
Aren’t our lives way greater than the wishlists we’ve ever written down?
