we fall but we can try again because it isn’t the end of the world yet.
I haven’t been drawing for a good while. It’s agonizing.
I’ve built my entire world around art — creative writing, music, dancing, especially drawing… but now just the thought of it is terrifying. The realization that you’re not good enough of an artist or you’re slowly losing your spark.
And I wanted it all, you know? Because I know I had nothing.
But.. then it’s not. It’s not that I wanted it all, I was just a hostage of everyone’s dreams. But I haven’t been drawing, and I haven’t been feeling like myself. It’s weird, but it’s life, just to feel something.
Last year was a little more optimistic since I still had the courage to look for the good in everything, but yes it’s true that it’s getting more and more difficult growing up. I think it’s not that life is getting harder but more like us growing up and letting these dreams just die down on their own.
Where’s the excitement? Where’s the learning and growth? Where are the adventures? Everything feels negative and stagnant, and it’s even scarier when the media is all about negative news and being easily overwhelmed with opinions. I’ve been studying all day and night and do assignments earlier and work harder and —
I forgot that I have a life outside this.
Happiness is consistency, and consistency is.. hard. Maintaining happiness can be a cause for anxiety. It takes work and it’s such a positively unfamiliar feeling that we should’ve thought that we deserve it.
Yes it’s true that I want everything. I want to be happy. I want to live a content life. I want to play video games all day.. but do I need it?
The world didn’t end when I failed my exam all those years ago (and I thought that it was the biggest problem I’ve ever had) and now the stakes are higher and we’re not really the same person anymore. Isn’t that exciting? No, like, isn’t that exciting that we’ve survived?
It’s a little weird if strangers or random posts online congratulating us for our hard work but.. isn’t that just proof that we’re going through the same thing, same struggles, under the same sky?
So what happened with dreaming big?
We’ve learned how life goes in circles, and there’s a lot of downside to that. And here’s the thing.. aren’t we all supposed to be special and different? Who knows if everything will be fine and will get better? Getting slightly better at forgiving yourself? Getting slightly better at drinking enough waters a day? Getting slightly better at not cursing yourself in front of the mirror?
And that’s the great news, everything is temporary and the year-long school we thought would last forever, wouldn’t last anyway. Two decades worth of education, and to be honest? Life is just starting and we can always begin again.
Repurposing ourselves for something smaller. Simpler. Calmer. Better. Tiny steps towards better days, better things, starting all over again. You’re not late. Not too late.
Life is still a long, wide journey and I won’t let a pen define it.
But if love was all it takes to get back to art,
Like what I’ve written before in better times,
Love will find you again, since it’s always has been with you.
